As many of my friends and readers know, the past year has been very, very difficult for me. Without getting too far into personal details, I have realized that many of my difficulties have been the result of ongoing self-deception (aka “lying to myself”). In recent months I have been examining some of the ways in which I have lied to myself and have been writing them up in a more private journal. In addition, I am going to be posting some of my insights here in my blog:

Insight #1

“Identifying a problem and the dynamics of that problem are all well and good, but they don’t solve the problem nor do they necessarily enable one to change the behaviors that cause the problem. In fact, the identification of the problem and its dynamics can often become a trap: One feels smug about developing “understanding” while continuing in the same behaviors. This can lead to even greater complacency, even if the immediate situation is resolved or acted upon. The problem still exists, and the problematic behaviors still exist. Thus, real progress is seldom made.”

A therapist friend of mine recently remarked that one of the great false assumptions that people have about therapy is that it is supposed to help them “understand” their problems and situation. However, a good therapist will focus on getting their clients to change their behavior, whether or not the client fully “understands” their situation.

While there is nothing wrong with identifying problems in relationships, patterns of behavior, or trying to understand people’s motives, the “understanding” does nothing to change the situations that people find themselves in. In fact, it takes up time and energy that might be better used in removing oneself from, or changing, the negative situation.

Think about it this way: If a person is in a house and they smell gas, what is their best course of action? Is it to try and understand where the gas is coming from, learning the cause of the gas leak, and studying the properties of natural gas? Or is it to get the heck out of the house before they asphyxiate or get themselves blown up? There is time enough for “understanding” after one flees the danger. The important thing is that one acts in response to what they know to be a negative situation, even if they don’t yet fully understand it.

When we tell ourselves that we are gaining mastery over a negative situation because we understand it, even though nothing has changed as far as our behavior or participation in that situation, we are lying to ourselves. We want to believe that we are “taking action” and/or are “being proactive” because we have thought the situation or circumstances through. Yet all we are doing is continuing in the same behaviors, the same patterns, the same (dare I say it) sins as we always have. We just understand them a bit better.

This is not helpful.