How do we heal in the absence of closure?
As the old saying goes “Time heals all wounds.”, and in most cases, this is true. As we distance ourselves from a hurt we can begin to live and interact with less caution, to feel joy and happiness again. But it is easier to recover from an emotional or spiritual injury when we have experienced “closure”: Either an understanding/reconciliation reached with that person who has hurt us or, at least, some measure of justice. When we are not afforded reconciliation or justice after a hurt, we are left in a state of limbo, where healing comes much more slowly, much more unevenly, than if we are able to experience a definite resolution.
I liken the difference between healing with and without closure to the difference between the healing of a nasty cut that is cleaned up/stitched up by a doctor and a cut that is allowed to close up “naturally”. When the cut has been treated and closed, it will often heal faster, have fewer complications, and its scar will be less noticeable than an untreated, “unclosed” cut. Likewise, when we have had closure after an emotional/spiritual wound, negative emotions are less likely to fester, we are less likely to obsess over unanswered questions, and more likely to trust and rebuild relationships.
For those of us who do struggle with the uneven, messy scars of unresolved hurts, there is a silver lining: Because we didn’t heal as slowly, because our “scars” are jagged, uneven, and prone to aching in bad weather, we remember more. We’ve been there, done that, have the t-shirt. We might be a bit more disciplined in our interactions. We might be able to share our experiences more effectively. We might even be able to be more present for those who are experiencing a similar hurt.
But all the silver linings in the world don’t make these wounds less painful, do they?
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Emotional and spiritual wounds are always very painful. What we decide to do after we begin to experience the pain is what makes us truly remarkable (or unremarkable as the case may be). “Silver linings” can help make healing faster, I believe, but they don’t provide a form of anasthesia.
Do we really want anasthesia anyway? There’s something to be said for the lessons we learn when we feel terrible emotional and spiritual pain. Not all of those lessons are negative.
I look forward to reading the comments of others.
still, still, far too much pain–and I wonder about words like “closure” (as in financial transaction, maybe) and “resolution” (all the ingredients glomming together into a potion of indistinguishable ingredients). healing? health? wholeness? do those words convey what we’re trying to achieve? thanks for this post.