At the urging of several friends (many who were involved in the missional and emergent movements), I began blogging this past summer. Much to my surprise, people seemed to enjoy my writing and appreciate what I had to say. I found this reaction to be both gratifying and humbling: I have always enjoyed writing, but never had the confidence to pursue it as a public activity. But by the late fall, I found myself with a nice little readership and a real ministry. Even though I was going through some very, very difficult times, I found blogging to be a healing experience. By the end of November, in fact, I was flying high: I had experienced a significant (spiritual/mental/emotional) healing, and my life appeared to be back on track.
And then it all came crashing down around me.
I won’t go into any great detail, except to say that I made some very, very bad choices. While I have been told that I am my own harshest critic, the fact remains that several of these choices not only caused a great deal of pain, suffering, and humiliation for myself, but also for several other people. While none of these “bystanders” were entirely “innocent”, none of them deserved to experience what was to happen (and is still happening). When things got particularly bad, I took the blog down and tried to hibernate for awhile. Things proceeded, in some ways, to get worse, though there are certain aspects of my life (yes, connected with the aforementioned events and choices) which continue to bring me great joy.
Things are not good now. There are relationships that are damaged beyond repair. The old evangelical chestnut of “repent, rinse, repeat” isn’t going to get me out of this situation. Time might work to lessen the pain of the wounds, but I suspect that some of them just aren’t going to heal. Ever.
Still, though, I need to write. I also suspect that there are those who need me to write. And so I shall. Though I am going to do my damnedest to avoid characterizing this blog with the current trendy labels of “missional” and “emergent” and, perhaps at least for awhile, “Christian”, though I still am a follower (a very bad follower) of Christ.
In any case, thanks for stopping by. More soon.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Thank you for being so honest, Lainie. You will be in my thoughts.
Lainie!
I’m just so happy that you are back. Yay! Yay! Yay!
Big hug.
Kay