It was a dark and cold night, and I was standing outside a restaurant, looking at the menu in the window. Suddenly I heard a voice say “Miss?”? I turned around and saw a man, probably in his late thirties or early forties. He was stocky and plain. He continued, “Miss, I know this sounds like an odd request, but can I take you to dinner?” My heart nearly broke as I smiled and told him “no”. He looked dissappointed but not surprised, and then I added: “I appreciate the invitation, but I don’t think my husband would feel the same way.” He smiled sadly, nodded and turned away.
This man didn’t seem to be disordered or dangerous: I honestly think that he was just a lonely man who was hoping for some company for the evening, and he was so desperate for it it that he was willing to risk humiliation by asking random women to dinner. In fact, I would imagine that a lot of women could tell stories of men who approached them with the same level of desperation, men who just couldn’t bear their loneliness anymore.
I’ve observed that men, particularly single men, can have a difficult time of making (and keeping) new friends. They may have “buddies” from the office or at the local bar, but these “buddies” aren’t people that they can share their feelings with or rely on in times of trouble. It isn’t surprising, then, that men’s rates of suicide, criminal activity, and substance abuse are higher than those of women. When someone lacks a supportive social network, this lack of a “safety net” can drive them to despair and self-destructive behavior.
I believe that unless a man can maintain friendships from his school days, his chances of developing true friends in adulthood are slim. Women have a much easier time making connections with other people (men and women), which probably has something to do with opportunity (men can’t very well say to a work colleague “Hey, there is a shoe sale going on, let’s go there during lunch!”) as well as social conventions that allow women to be more open and vulnerable with others. I think that movements like Promise Keepers tried to address this issue by encouraging men to accountability and mutual support, but I am not sure that a “programmed” response to the crisis of men’s relationships is the answer.
I see this serious, but often overlooked, issue as one area in which a missional approach is desperately needed. When the missional church enters into “third spaces” (bars,parks,softball leagues, bowling alleys, cafes, etc), the potential for engaging men in true friendship grows significantly. Instead of the “attractional” approach (i.e. men’s rallies, prayer breakfasts, and “accountability groups”), a desire to interact with men who don’t have significant relationships in their lives by being where they are offers much promise in addressing a very real social need.
